Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Ghost of Christmas Past

Originally posted on 12/20/2007

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Toy Maker,

Thank you so much for putting lead in our toys. It has made for some fun times, trying to figure out what could possibly harm my child. I especially like that we've all known for years that lead is bad, but for some reason you are just now doing something about it. That really is really going the extra mile.

However, that is not why I write you today. Today I write to discuss another subject, the enslavement of your toys.

I understand that you do not want for your toys to escape during shipping. I know that toys can be a bit naughty and switch boxes or hide in the back and try to run to freedom when the ship docks. I get it. But, what I don't get is the 5.2 million wires you use to confine these sweet, innocent toys. I think it is inhuman. There are better ways to tame a toy.

Santa came today, you see, and it took my husband and myself over three hours to open the various toys. I am still trying to get all the wires and tape off of one toy. Now, don't just say to yourself, "She bought her children too many toys. That is why it took so long."
Nope. We tried very hard to get toys the children would really enjoy for a long time, not just a quick happy fix. We didn't over indulge them. So, I am still wondering why my fingers have cuts all over them from the packaging you use to contain the toys.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that (generally) all the pieces are in one place and that I do not have to tell a crushed child that he will have to wait to play with his toy because it must first be exchanged for a complete toy. I have seen first hand how naught those toys can be, hiding under beds and in sandboxes, as if they don't want our children to be their masters. But, I am just tired of your enslavement methods.

So, for next year, please consider sedating all of the toys, and including an anti-serum with each toy, so that I can easily open the box and get my child playing. I believe sedation is a lot more humane than tying them up, so please, free the toys. Give them drugs to keep them quiet. Just stop using so much damn wire to tie every nook and cranny of my child's puppets and board games and race cars down.

Thank you.
J. R...a concerned consumer