The Swim Suit Monster

I am brave and take on the world of swimsuit shopping.

I really want a cute swimsuit, I do. It's just that I can't find what I think I want. No bikini's, no tankini's (those are worse than a bikini, because just the edges of blubber hang out), and no grandma suits. Shouldn't be too hard, right? Wrong!!! "Swim Shops" at the mall are horrid places but boutiques are just a little too pricey (especially for something I wear maybe three times a year). So, I brave the mall and fight the monster I like to call "the swimsuit monster of doom!"

A store associate tells me, "You are so lucky. You have a baby, so you don't have to worry how you look."
Excuse me? You just lost yourself a sale, because really you just called me fat in a 'nice' way.

So, on the boys and I go, to store after store, mall after mall, until, finally, I find a swimsuit that isn't too trashy, too frumpy, too mawmawish, too ugly, or too expensive. What do you think?
This is my tale of horror. I hope your swimsuit shopping experience isn't quite so scary as mine.

Why did I quit jazzercise?????